thisismadfreaky | entranceway Therapy Journal (Reply)

[This is strictly for my own personal knowledge and the like. I won't write things down on any real set schedule, but just as I see fit and feel the need to remember/have him look back on/reflect on/etc...]

2016

Oct 25
Experienced my first Event in Wonderland. Summary? Trippy as fuck and can we just please not, ever again? I heard all about the Hogwarts world Event and it kinda sounded pretty cool, but actively experiencing the way your memories are rewritten and you have almost no trace of who you are is...unnerving to say the least. There's this loss of agency, of choice in it that's just DISTURBING in ways I didn't really see til now. And it's only bad in the aftermath, when everything's normal again, because during it, you just ARE whatever role you're assigned. Not the fun times I expected based on what I'd heard before.

I was barely 9 or 10 years old, all crewed up Lost Boy style with Leonard and a bunch of people I don't know. It's weird, looking back on it now, with my own thoughts and perspective. I remember everything kid-me thought, felt...and it doesn't match my reality, but I think it's gonna stick with me anyway. Leonard was like everybody's protective older brother and I kinda clung to that pretty tight. Got a lot of things tied up in my relationship with my actual older brother and somehow Leonard of all people hit all the buttons on what Dante just...stopped doing a long time ago. It mattered to kid-me. A lot. I think maybe it still matters to me now, too, but I don't know what to do with that.

I took part in one of the plans to take down the strangers/adults. Played decoy/distraction while Dustin took the strike on someone who's actually a friend of mine in the real world. Jesse's a good person, she doesn't blame me, but it still fucks with me. Because how can this place DO THAT? It's creepy as hell, making us act, react, think in ways we never would otherwise. I know I wasn't really myself when it happened, but idk how to let go of that guilt, either.

Dec 1
Iris is gone... Barry's really upset about it. I tried to help as much as I could, but...it's hard. I don't know how this stuff works. How often do people come back here? How often do they remember when they do? Is there a way to tell if a person is likely to re-arrive or not? How much hope is too much to give someone about that, and do you give it from the missing person returning side or in them going home? There are way too many questions and...this is the first time I've ever experienced this part of Wonderland, anyway. I have no idea how to handle it. I just hope that I helped him, some, at least.

Dec 12
Had a conversation with a guy who killed me once in a timeline that doesn't exist any more. Whole full-blown goddamn conversation before I realized who it was. Definitely had a panic attack about it.

Barry says we have the upper hand because he isn't from the right point in time, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing at some point, I'm gonna have to face him. Somehow. Not ready for it. Never gonna be.

Jesse came by to check on me. She's sweet, and she can understand in a way other people can't because she has similar, terrible experiences with people like him. But I tried not to go too deep into it because I don't wanna reopen her own old wounds, either.

Still not at all okay with any of this and I have no clue how to deal with it. How do you just live every day knowing someone like that gets to walk free?

Dec 20
Mick showed up today. That was....a trip and a half. Still not entirely sure the whole story on whatever happened between him and Leonard, but it's weird AF. They were like this total ride or die friendship and now it's weird and broken and mostly I'm just confused.

I don't know why it even matters. I mean, they aren't really what I'd call FRIENDS of mine. They kidnapped me once. It's okay, I'm over that, really. Um. But yeah, idk. I guess it's just...they seemed like they had this unbreakable bond and I can't figure out what could have ruined that. And if a friendship that looked like theirs from the outside can break, what's it mean about mine? I know, I know, comparing myself to other people is like the worst habit, but I can't help it. But I haven't had a ton of great friends in my life and I've got some really amazing ones now and I'm just kind of terrified of losing that, I guess.

Caitlin kinda lost it today on him, too. Guy's gunning for a fight and she's just...I don't know. I'm worried about her, and everything going on with her. I still don't have the full picture there either. I need to talk to her more about what happened when she went home.

Dec 26
Iris is back. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be happy about it because she's my friend and I missed her while she was gone, or bummed she didn't get to stay at home like she probably should have. I mean, none of us actually belong here. Even if things are on pause or whatever back home, it's still not right. Even if some of us don't mind it as much here...it's not the way it should be.

But her being here again will be good for Barry, though, so at least there's that. Been worried about him.

We talked a lot about the way memories just disappear when we're sent back and she wants to figure out the patterns and investigate the reasons why people who are gone for certain timeframes remember things on returning to Wonderland and others don't. I'm gonna try to help her, but honestly, I don't think we'll get very far. It's sort of the way of the place to not let us know the inner workings of it. But it gives her a project to work on, I guess, and I can't really begrudge her that.

Dec 27
Got a new project on deck, pretty psyched about it. Rose wants a set of armor, laid down some specs for me, but I gotta rework some things in my usual line of thought for these things. Haven't actually made ARMOR before, so this'll be interesting. Gonna start working up some sketches ASAP though.

Mostly just kinda glad to have a project on hand. I mean, one of my own, other than the ones I've been helping Jesse with and all. I love teamwork, but sometimes it's good to just be able to ~~isolate~~ be alone.

The grappling gun Jesse & I are working on is coming along pretty well, but we've hit a snag in the release mechanism. It's annoying, but we'll figure it out soon. She had an idea to run by me later, so maybe she's onto something there.

2017

Jan 30
Wow. So, this place really has a mad love for my city. Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Lisa's here and that's...something. I don't know. She's a friend. Kind of? I think? I don't know. The Snarts are kind of cagey, but I think we're friends. She's definitely MY friend. I like to think she thinks of me as one too.

Her being here doesn't change a lot, I guess... I don't...know why I'm even writing this, nevermind.

Feb 2
Talked to Fitz about making some power suppressors for Caitlin because I'm seriously worried about where this thing with her powers is gonna go.

I hate it. I hate everything about this. This isn't her and it's not her fault, but it's happening and it has to be dealt with and handled and god, I never thought I'd have to say anything like that about CAITLIN of all people. She's my best friend and I have to consider containment options for her now and I don't know how I'm supposed to be okay with that. I'm not. I'm not okay with any of this.

I did it for the Flash, too, when I made the Cold Gun to make sure he could be stopped if he needed to be. That sucked in the aftermath, after I got to know him and everything, but...it was different. I made the gun before I knew him and this... I've known Caitlin for years and now I have to do this. I have to find ways to contain and subdue her and it makes me sick.

It doesn't matter that she's okay with it and on board, it kills me to have to do it, to think that way, to look at her like just another dangerous meta. It hurts so much, but I have to keep her safe. I can't let this take her over, I can't let her become Killer Frost.

Barry's wary of having outside help. Which, considering our track record with people helping us....I can understand. But I don't wanna do this on my own. I don't think I can, I'm too close to it, I NEED Fitz's help. I think Barry understands, but...I dunno. He's supposed to be on standby if Cait's in the lab with Fitz. Just in case anything goes wrong.

I just hope we can figure out something more permanent soon. Tech gets faulty and breaks, Wonderland could fuck it up, I don't know. I just need her to be okay. I need her to be Caitlin.

Feb 2
Leonard's dead.

Back home. Or across time. Or whatever. He's dead.

Lisa just came in and...god, she just crumbled. I've never seen her like that before. I get why now, but... I just keep thinking...if we get sent back, we forget everything we learn here, so she won't remember. She won't remember that he's gone and she'll have to suffer finding out from someone else all over again. And she won't remember being here, or the extra time she got with him. It'll be like he just disappeared over night. There and gone, just like that. I don't envy her that. Kinda makes me hope that none of them get sent home. Lisa, Leonard, Mick...

Maybe some people are better off staying here instead.

I don't know how to feel about any of this. I mean, he never even told me. Not that I'd really expect him to. Leonard's not exactly the share and care type but...I dunno, I guess I thought...well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong. So.

Feb 14
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Feb 22
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